Lighthouse
by TheAuthorx
Summary: Because hurting William should be a sin. Set before series when Mac is in Afghanistan.


Not mine. Song is 'Lighthouse' by Lucy Spraggan.

* * *

_I found a map and it broke my heart_

_I didn't know that I'd ever go this far_

_With a compass point driving ink into my arm_

_The father, son and the holy ghost_

_Don't talk too much, never been that close_

_Pouring spirits while I follow the Northern star_

* * *

When she closes her eyes she doesn't see what you'd think she saw.

She didn't see the soldiers she had watched die that day.

She didn't see the children she saw begging for food and shelter and their parents.

She saw _him._

She saw _his _eyes.

She saw the eyes of Will McAvoy when he first realised she had cheated on him.

She saw the eyes of Will McAvoy when she broke his heart.

It was why she tried her best to just not sleep. Sleep always brings nightmares with it and as much as the rest is needed she can't very well be found screaming and crying in her sleep every night. Plus on the nights she does manage slumber she always wakes up with Will's name on her lips and then she can't ever fall back asleep. After all she has the vision of a broken-hearted boyfriend in her mind and she thinks hurting Will has to be a sin. Right under thou shall not kill should be thou shall not break William because she did and instead of Ten Hail Mary's she's sending herself to a war zone.

When they first broke up she tried to tell herself that she'd be okay and for the first six months she almost was. Excessive amounts of tequila and self-loathing made her feel somewhat better.

Then _it_ happened.

For the first time since they broke up she saw his fucking nightly newscast and all the hope that maybe she was recovering was shot to hell. His dead eyes were like a dagger in her heart because this is all her fault and why did she fucking fuck Brian Brenner again? She can't even remember and that says a lot about her time with Brian. She had dated him for four years and when she lightly suggested he met her parents he was gone in a flash. Only to return two years later in order to Mackenzie ruin her life.

That why she's lying in the desert watching children and soldiers die. This has to be less painful then watching Will's dead eyes every night. For something called The Big Apple, New York feels fucking small. In fact it felt so small Mac had signed herself up as a war correspondent because being shot at and living in the desert was exactly what her penance should be.

She throws back another shot as she looks at the stars. It's the one thing she can appreciate about this whole fucked up situation. At least here in Afghanistan she can see the stars. She remembers complaining about that once to Will. That as much as she loved his apartment and as much as she loved sleeping next to him it was impossible to see the stars. Of course Will being Will took that as a suggestion to drop thousands on a surprise trip to a country B&B where they spent their time doing some very adult things under the stars.

A mixture of alcohol and regret stir in her stomach and she find herself having to hold back tear from a previous life. One where Mac was a good person and had the love of her life and one where she was happy because she's not even sure she's know what that feels like anymore. It times like these when she's trying not to cry that she often prays. She's not very religious never has been but she's also in dire need of help because she broke the love of life's heart and she's trying to pay the price. It's heavy price and includes a forever broken heart of her own but if it means that one day Will might be able to look at her and not be disgusted then surely it's worth it.

It's getting close to 3am now and she finds herself rolling over and outing the vodka down as though she might actually go to sleep. She's trying to do the right thing by not waking up with another hang over but it's so hard because it's turns out being good is hard and that's sort of why she's here lying under the Northern star. She'll do her best though because maybe if she's good enough then one day she'll wake up and everything will be better and she'll never have done all the terrible shit she's done.

She closes her eyes and tries not think of Will.

Or his arms.

Or the way they feel wrapped around her.

Or anything else that will surely only result in another night of no sleep.

_Yeah, good fucking luck with that Mac_ she thinks to herself.

She can't ever _not_ think of Will.

* * *

Okay I know I should have updated everything I have to update but I wont lie; my muse seems to be missing and this is the best I could come up with. It's short but enjoy. There might be more chapter to come I'm not sure.


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